From Henry Upton:

Oh, hi! It’s Lionize again. Today, we take you on a perilous journey.  An expedition that will take us from the slip n’ slide to that chick puking in her purse over there.  Criss-crossing all the grandeur that is the Warped Tour, come along with us as we set out to discover the mysterious merchandiser  in his natural habitat…..(Hands and feet inside the golf cart. No flash photography. No refunds.)

-The first thing one may notice is the merchandiser might seem unfriendly or aggressive. That’s because they are!  Ironically though, this is due to crippling loneliness.  FEEL FREE TO SPEAK TO THE MERCH PEOPLE. Typically, they are very nice. Atypically, they are 300 pound rodeo clowns.
- You will notice the concertgoers interacting with the wild merchandiser.  The merchandiser proudly displays his wares via tents and signs. This, along with yelling through a bullhorn, and powerful gesticulation is the hallmark of the merchandiser mating dance.  Not all will be receptive. The percentage of concert goers left unimpressed move on, sure to watch their backs for CDs “that just flew out of my hand.”
-Don’t be fooled, kids. Most merchandisers are NOT members of the band. Though, come to think of it, I’ve never seen them in the same room together….
- The merchandiser’s only and therefore favorite song? “Everyday I’m hustlin’’ by Rick Ross.
- The older, more seasoned merchandiser will have his tent facing east so as to avoid the harsh sun. Do NOT attempt to enter the shade of a merchandiser’s tent. They will defend themselves with vigor. And PVC pipe.

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Lionize are one of the smaller bands on Warped Tour this year, but they’re definitely being talked about quite a bit, so we thought it’d be a great idea to have them do a Warped Blog for PropertyOfZack. We’ll be getting updates from the band every week, so check back and read up!

Now that we’ve had  a second  to breathe, let’s try and figure out what the hell just happened. Encapsulating the first week of the Vans Warped Tour is decidedly daunting given  the volume of bizarre, bemusing oddities  that  surrounded all of us.  So, here are 15 highlights, lessons learned, and the otherwise funky:
1.Water is valuable.  People will shank you for some around here.
2. Sleep is essential. Also,  improbable.
3. Why do so many people come dressed as animals?
4. Pelicans don’t walk. They stroll, baby.
 
          “Awwwwwwwwwwwwww,yeah.”
5. Everyone is incredibly friendly. Just like summer camp, but with fewer visible erections.
6. All the bands are psyched to collaborate and spend a lot of time catching each others sets. The way  it’s supposed to be.
7. Do you have any socks?
8. People watching at Walmart is especially good at 3AM.
9. I should have brought a bike. Or a moped, or a scooter, or a skateboard,  or a rickshaw…
10. I also want a bocce ball set, a grill, some more chairs, a blender…
11. I was hope to avoid the obvious, but it’s been really, really hot….Enrique Iglesias hot.
12. Jesus,  Green Man, and some guy that looks like a deranged convict with a gasmask have all been  spotted at the Warped Tour.
13.Where’s the nearest bathroom?
14. The late night BBQs are incredibly clutch. The Aggrolites rocked the lot in San Antonio and everyone saw a small glimmer of the true nature of the universe. Or I was in the fetal positon under some old folded up tents. Whatevs.
15. Every band on the AP/ Tilly stage is as cool as a pelican’s walk.

   The Aggs get down and there is much imbibing.